Archive for September, 2015

In despair, she rises, finds herself going downstairs and, bottomless, watching MacGyver. Ahh, the memories! She is somewhat re-energized and is compelled to rub moisturizer into her legs and lower body, while she watches. Ahh, the idealism. She does her leg exercises, always wanting to be productive, even in her down-time.

Later, she is drinking some beer and wondering why her life is so different from others, the apparent norm. It was upon watching a TV advert, trying to avoid its banality, realizing yet again that she doesn’t want what they’re selling so loudly.

Renata Removed.

Perhaps it is because she lacks ambition (in a conventionally appreciated sense). She feels no need to acquire, to rise to power, or to procreate. So, what is left? To reflect?

It is true that she once had a driving ambition to be the best, in a number of different ways. But time, misfortune, circumstance and perfidious people drove that out of her, one by one, leaving her something of a shell.

Oh, Renata.

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Messed Up.

Posted: 2015-09-25 in Thoughts For The Day

You hate yourself so much that the only fantasy you can bring yourself to imagine is heroin-induced sex. Junkies at once united and detached in the haze.

In a moment of clarity you realize that you’re actually no worse than anyone else on this messed up planet. The rich banker who takes viagra to be able to get it up for the wife he has no interest in (after all, boys are his thing – but even then he’d still need his pill). The abused mother-of-seven who drowns her sorrow in between fists and drudgery. The movie star who has simulated sex for big bucks and audience kicks.

All perverted, all messed up. Perhaps that’s what unites us most as humans.

God Cares.

Posted: 2015-09-25 in Faith screwed with.

I want to believe, but it’s hard when you hurt so much. When every fucking effort, even every faith declaration, goes to shit, in this world of pain. … Yes. I see the rusty blade, I think of using it. I want to end this half-life.

Silence.

Posted: 2015-09-25 in Thoughts For The Day

2015.09.17

Forgive my silence. My mind is full of ideas. My life is full of complications.

2015.09.18

What if every single word you had ever spoken had been utterly in vain, every sentiment voiced totally for nought? Wasted. Oh, the despair! And you wonder why I prefer silence now.

Posted: 2015-09-25 in Note to self

Note to self: You are unlikely to have much success if you try to fix a broken chair with glue.

Note to self: Must remember to write aforementioned note, once I find somewhere to sit.

Let’s get personal.

It’s been two years today since I last saw you. Mixed feelings. Two years since, demented, you allowed yourself to be led away by “friends” and “family” from the only one who you actually trusted, the only one who truly cared, the only one who truly loved you – you (do you even remember who that is?). Two years since you sold your soul for some kind of perverted end. Two years since you pretended to believe the lies. Two years since evil swooped in and confused you. Two years since I was crucified for the amusement of your self-righteous “benefactors” (you have no idea, surely (hopefully?), how cruelly, your supposedly-Christian people treated me). Two years since the torrent of threats and lies and perversions flooded. Two years since you lost yourself and lost me.

Happy Anniversary!

You know what, despite it all, I feel fine and I’m doing great.

Made in China.

Posted: 2015-09-10 in Thoughts For The Day

The smug, wannabe suave, Euro asshole makes a snide comment about the product: “Made in China”. He tosses it aside with contempt. I frown. There’s a lot going on in history and soul, and he doesn’t get it. Utilitarian blood, sweat and tears. Efforts dismissed by white trash. I shake my head and walk away.

They say, flippantly, that it’s a matter of life or death. Maybe so. But what is in between, normal existence or half-life? Half-life is where most of us reside, whether we realize it or not, and we try to dull the pain of inconsequentialness with various substances, suggested by “friends”, with various destructive actions. And we perpetuate more of the same with our pathetic urge to procreate. Sigh, pity the kids.

Trust No One.

Posted: 2015-09-08 in Thoughts For The Day

The pastor lied, big surprise. A moment earlier it was the priest, before him it was the imam, preceded by the atheist, the politician, the newsreader, the merchant, and you, yourself. People lie. Liars, damned liars, and statistics. 100% lies, life is a charade, family is a black hole, your brain is cheesecake, your grandmother is a vacant cunt.

Jesus books.

Posted: 2015-09-08 in Thoughts For The Day

I remember hearing *my* grandmother, talk fondly about her darling little son, as a young boy, sitting in bed, sick, surrounded by his Jesus books. You great man of faith. Now I see you surrounded by pictures of naked women, trying to masturbate, to prove you’re a man, but you can’t, you’re impotent, have been for years, your wife indiscreetly let the fact out, blurted it. But I didn’t really think anything of it, didn’t view you as any lesser, until you betrayed me, and now I truly see you for the pathetic specimen that you are. So, go on, keep trying to lie to yourself.