Archive for the ‘Огурец’ Category

“Okay, so our people broke into the ARPANET and, long story short, we now know that Ronald Reagan watched Moscow Does Not Believe In Tears several times so as to ‘better understand the Russian soul’.”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Question is, did Reagan cry?”





And suddenly,

I let out an involuntary scream,

as a torrent of freezing water fell from above,

drenching me through.

Blinking, I wiped sodden strands of hair from my eyes

and looked up.

“Happy Epiphany!” the Priest said with a smile, drumming his fingers on an upturned bucket.

“It was the best I could do.”




He asked me to justify Operation Priboi,

Baltic deportations.

Well… Kulaks!!!

… Okay, really,

I can’t, justify,

but… Russians, Ukrainians, Crimeans, Koreans, et al,

we all went through such things,

ipso facto

welcome to the family

(bonds of tragedy)…




Open Kiska.

Open Minds.





Believing possible.

Bearing Fruit.


Golden Apples of Hesperides.

Have Faith.




Alone in my cell.

I slept.

I dreamt.

I woke.

I clutched my knees.

And remembered.

I had to move some of my old boxes,

my old things,


I had the feeling that I should check inside,

make sure there was no mold, or other signs of decay.

Academic papers and letters from my soul mate.

All was okay.

I was pleased.

I didn’t want to read any of the words,

that would be too painful.

Just to know they lived on,

that was sufficient,

even if only in my dreams.




He gave me some vodka

and gherkin, to help the medicine go down.

He waited patiently then asked me my opinion on Progressive Jews.

I raised my eyebrows.

“Be candid,” he said.

“Progressive Jews?… Oh you mean the Jews that neither God nor Andropov can stand!”

He laughed.